Two guys are lost in the desert. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden one of them (Mark) says, "Hey Dave, do you smell what I smell. It's bacon, I think."
"Yeah Mark, it sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There is fried bacon, double smoked bacon, Canadian bacon; every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Dave, Dave, we are saved. It's a bacon tree."
"Mark, maybe it's a mirage? We are in the desert don't forget."
"Dave, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon? It's no mirage, it's a bacon tree."
And with that, Mark staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five feet, with Dave crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Mark drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Dave with his dying breath, "Dave, go back man, you were right, it's not a bacon tree!"
"Mark, Mark my friend, what is it?"
"Dave it's not a bacon tree; it's, it's, it's, a ham bush!"
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
Top Ten Country Western Songs:
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began: "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know," the doctor interrupted, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder: "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in your pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed: "He wants to know if I can still shovel the driveway."
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call
the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,
'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . .
My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.........
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
"The guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big boobs.
A highway patrolman pulls alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he is astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel is knitting!
Realizing that she is oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranks down his window, turns on his bullhorn and yells, "PULL OVER!"
"NO," the blonde yells back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter, didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck.
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
Have a great week-end. Thanks for stopping by. Big Hugs
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