Found For Friday

Touching Christmas Story

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember 

that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it." 

 If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated.

This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

 What is the definition of the perfect wife?
A rich mute nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store..

 Sex is a lot like doing laundry, if you have a small load, do it by hand!

 I see sales for Viagra are way down. I guess all those old guys finally
figured out that sex with an old woman is not worth $20.

 Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.
She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.  

Now it was question time, and she asked, "My
name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?

"A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down
and looked over the menu...

Tourist: $5
Broiled Missionary: $7.00
Fried Explorer: $9.00
Baked Republican  $150.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
'Why such a price difference for the Politician?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning.'

Heaven is when you have barrels of beer and tons of girls.
Hell is when you find out that the barrels have holes and
the girls don't!

HOW CAN YOU TELL A REDNECK AT `SEAWORLD`?
HE`S THE ONE WITH THE FISHING POLE!

A man saw a sign in a clothing store which said "We sell everything!"
The guy walked up to the clerk and asked her for some  glass pants.

The woman replied,
"Sorry sir we don't sell those".

The man argued that the sign stated that the store sold everything.

The woman remarked that glass pants did not even exist.
The man went to his home, and came back to the store wearing a pair
of glass pants.  The man said triumphantly, "See, I told you that they
existed!"

The woman said, "At first I thought you were crazy.....but now I see
you're nuts!"

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I think it is time to join hokey pokey anonymous. It is a place to turn yourself around!

The tardy cannibal always gets the cold shoulder.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?