This guy goes into his dentist’s office, because something is wrong with his mouth.
After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, “Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?”
“Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I’m talkin’ DELICIOUS! I’ve never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I’ve been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!”
“That’s probably it,” replied the dentist “Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I’ll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time.”
“Why chrome?” the man asked.
“Well, everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A: Tinselitis.
Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: What do you call a brothel in the North Pole?
A: A workshop.
Q: What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert?
A: O Camel ye Faithful.
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve?
A: A pack of batteries which at the bottom says "toy not included".
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
A: Anything you want. He can't hear you.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Q: What goes "oh oh oh"?
A: Santa walking backwards.
Q: What do you call a smelly Santa?
A: Farter Christmas
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer, Olive?
Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names."
The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus
Name That Christmas Carol
Clues:
1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time 2400 hrs - Weather Cloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals
Answers:
1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6. O Come, All Ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Hall
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas
The Night Before Christmas for an Attorney
Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and
Whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and
Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; and
Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and
Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; and
Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions; and
Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows:
"Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen"; and
Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings.
Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.:
A jocund Yuletide to all herein assembled, and to the same my profound wishes for a somnolent and salutary nocturnal period.
1 comment:
there was a lot of work put into this one !
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