Found for Friday

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a pair of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help," she said. "I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Er --", the man started to say. "No, I insist," she replied.

"But --" "I insist," she repeated, and despite his objections, she gently moved his hands to the side and loosened his pants. Then she put her hands inside and began to massage him. After a moment she asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "Well, it feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.

Generally politicians are not ones for Indian food, but they are good at currying favors.

A man goes to see the doctor. He touched his chest and said, "It hurts when I touch myself here." He touched his forehead and said, "It hurts when I touch myself here." He touched his chin and said, "It hurts when I touch myself here, too." The doctor said, "I think your finger's broken."

General Custer and his scout are on top of a hill overlooking a peaceful prairie scene when they hear drums begin to beat ominously in the distance. General Custer says, "I don't like the sound of those drums!" The scout listens for a moment and says "That's not their normal drummer."

The story goes that during the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ballpoint pen that would write in the zero gravity of space.

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of a million dollars. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well financially, but one summer he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and help themselves to his watermelons. After obsessing on it for a couple of weeks, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would solve the problem for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night the kids showed up to steal some watermelons, and they saw a sign that read: "Warning: One of these watermelons has been injected with cyanide."

The next morning the farmer couldn't wait to see how his plan had worked. He showed up at the watermelon field and looked around carefully, but couldn't find any signs of stolen or damaged watermelons. Then he noticed a new sign, next to the one he had posted. This one read: "Now there are two."

A British pilot is shot down over Germany in WW2. He is brought to a hospital and is hurt bad enough where they had to amputate his leg. He asks the Germans if they wouldn't mind if the next time they raided London, if they wouldn't mind dropping his leg over British soil. The Germans agreed.

A week later the pilot's arm gets infected and must be amputated also. Again he asks the Germans to drop his arm over British soil, and again they agree.

A few days later he gets another infection in his other leg, and it gets amputated as well. He immediately asks the Germans if they wouldn't mind dropping it over British soil. The But the Germans refuse. When he asks them why, they reply, "We think you are trying to escape!"

A man goes up to heaven and says, "Hey, God. What's a million years like for you?" And God says, "Oh, you know, like maybe a second." So the man says, "Oh, wow. Well, then, how about this: What's a million dollars worth to you?" And God says, "Oh, like, you know, about a penny." So the man says, "Oh, wow. Well, in that case, can I have a million dollars?" And God says, "Sure, in a second."

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, God! Help me!"

As the atheist spun helplessly through the air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me?"

"Give me a break!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster, either!"

A hiker slipped over the edge of a cliff, and would surely have fallen to his death except for a branch he managed to grab, just a few feet from the top. He clung there in terror and yelled, "Help! Can anybody hear me?" A booming voice said, "I am God. Just let go of that branch and I'll catch you." There was a long silence until the hiker hollered, "Can anybody else hear me?"

h/t John K.