Found For Friday

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

Vampires are always looking for their necks victim.

My daughter asked me if I was having fun doing the laundry. I replied, 'Loads.'

My parents had back to back appointments at the chiropractor.

I'm struggling to catch my breath while I'm struggling to lose my breadth.

A farmer brought a bucket of milk to church so it could be pastorized.

When artists dream in color it's a pigment of their imagination.

I saw an ad on Craigslist that said, "Television for sale, $1. Volume control stuck on full." I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down."

'Because' is a word to the whys.

Missionaries like open hooded cars because they are convertible

What did the grape say when it was crushed?

Nothing - it just let out a little wine.

(Works better aurally than visually

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?

They're afraid of flying off the handle.

Hanging out with skyscraper builders is so boring! It's story after story.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.

My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

Bonus Findings

Vampires must use mouthwash because they have bat breath.

Ghosts never take sides in an argument because they are super neutral.

Why do mummies make excellent spies?

They're good at keeping things under wraps.

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?

Bone appetite!