FOUND For Friday

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.

She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells to the other sisters,

“Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94-year-old yells back,

“I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.”

She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says,

“I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.”

She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

When you get a transfusion in a Taiwanese hospital,

you receive Taipei blood.

I finally understand why the U.S. refuses to use the metric system.

We are unwilling to accept a foreign ruler.

For years, the fad dieter ate everything with prickly pears -

he now eats everything with sorghums.

William Wordsworth wrote most of his poetry at night by candlelight.

He liked to wax poetic.

Some planes are so cramped that passengers suffer jet leg.

I used to be an underwear model.

It was a brief career.

A cardboard belt is a waist of paper.

A country that expels the Red Cross would have to view it as a banned aid solution.

As I spoke into the voice recorder, my arms and legs became immobile against the chair.

It was then I realized I was taping myself.

No matter how much I'd like to, I cannot put my misbehaving child in the cargo hold of the plane when I fly.

I must Carry On My Wayward Son.

The cannibal arrived late for the dinner party.

As a result, he was given the cold shoulder.

When I got home every lamp in the house had been stolen.

I was delighted.

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm.

I gave her the super glue by mistake.

She's still not speaking to me.