Friday, May 26, 2017

Found For Friday

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a pair of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help," she said. "I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Er --", the man started to say. "No, I insist," she replied.

"But --" "I insist," she repeated, and despite his objections, she gently moved his hands to the side and loosened his pants. Then she put her hands inside and began to massage him. After a moment she asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "Well, it feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationary.

Italy has lots of marblelous statues.

Many people take them for granite.

Two podiatrists became arch rivals.

Sir Cumference built King Arthur's round table and Sir Ramic Tile did the flooring.

I think I'm going to hire the same landscaper I used last year - he was really easy to get a lawn with.

In the year I worked at a mannequin factory

I only made half a dozen mannequins.

Still, I was the first in my family to make 6 figures.

The marine biology student took a math course called algae-bra.

A young nun who was tasked with doing the laundry noticed that the sisters' robes were becoming rather gray and faded after years of use. Rather than spend money on new fabric, the Mother Superior authorized the purchase of black dye to fix the robes. The young nun tried and tried to restore the garments to their original color, but it didn't work because, as everyone knows, old habits dye hard.

I used to work as a cheese monger, but I camembert it any longer!

We have a chair that needs to be reupholstered. Our state tax return came in, and I suggested we use the money to fix the chair.

Kim said it wouldn't be enough to cover it.

BREAKING NEWS: an unknown person was just killed with a starter's pistol. Officials think it may have been race related.

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