Friday, November 16, 2018

Found For Friday


AN ELDERLY LADY PHONED HER TELEPHONE COMPANY

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


Statistically, 9 out of 10 injections are in vein


I would like to thank my legs for supporting me,
my arms for always being by my side,
and my fingers: I can always count on them.

I'd like to defend a penguin in court just so I could say,
Your honor, my client is not a flight risk



A guy at the corner tried to spritz my clean car windows. I told him,
“You’d better stop that, Mister!”

 Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


Some people say I'm addicted to somersaults,
but that's just how I roll.


I have a cat named 'Love'.
She doesn't use the litterbox.
She always poops outside in my herb garden,
but I'm the only person who sees this.
Love goes where my Rosemary grows and nobody knows but me.

I dropped out of socialism class because of lousy Marx.


I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


I tried to catch some fog. I mist.


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.



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