Found For Friday

AN  ATHEIST  IN  THE  WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring the beauty of nature.  As he walked, he spoke to himself,

  "What majestic trees!"

        "What powerful rivers!"

                 "What beautiful animals!"

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.  He turned to look.  He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.  He ran as fast as he could up the path.  He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.  He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.  He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.  At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.  "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.  Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?  Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well", said the voice.

The light went out.  The sounds of the forest resumed.  And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke, "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

 A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. “What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy..."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry.

  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

o  

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

You're too good for him.. Sign over mirror in Women's restroom Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

Express Lane: Five beers or less. Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

o  

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.site of progress?

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

o  

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

o  

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Thanks to everyone who stopped by this week. Have a great week-end and may your Monday be Marvelous.