Found For Friday

A customer at the local grocery store marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.

“Tell me, what makes you so smart?” he asked the owner.

“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” came the reply. Then, lowering his voice so the other shoppers wouldn’t hear, he continued. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”

“You sell them here?” the customer asked.

“Only $4 apiece,” said the grocer.

The customer quickly bought three. A week later, he was back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he wasn’t any smarter.

“You didn’t eat enough,” replied the store owner, and the customer went home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he was back and this time he was really angry.

“Hey,” he said, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2.
You’re ripping me off!”

“You see?” replied the grocer.

“You’re smarter already.”

A clergyman was walking down a country lane one warm summer day and encountered a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the parson. "Why don't you rest a moment, and then I'll give you a hand."

"No, thanks," said the young man, continuing to work away. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "right now he's under this load of hay."

 As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,

I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's nest; It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!

 If I had three wishes, one would be to always know what my puppy is

thinking!

“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the
dog does”.  Christopher Morley

"There is always some madness in love; But there is always some reason
in madness".  Nietzsche

 By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a

daughter who thinks she's wrong.

  Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the

hardest..

. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

 When life gives you lemons in 2012 - turn it into lemonade (and add

the vodka).

Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or
married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

 Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you
walk funny.

 When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal

with it.

Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your
personality.

 In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

Go on the 30 day diet.. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

 I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.