Found For Friday

THE HAIRCUT  Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting. One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'  The florist was pleased and left the shop.  When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for  him at his door.  Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.  The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.  Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there  were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.  And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BROKEN LEG

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago . . . ."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying, doc, 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, 'No, everything is fine.' 'Are you sure?' she asked. 'I'm sure,' I said.

'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not,' I replied."

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

 

 CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

 Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

 It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. "My goodness," he said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving." "Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.  "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.  "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.  I told him yes and handed it to him.  He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the wastebasket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

 I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you  'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I  'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

 I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."

 I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.