Found For Friday,

 A gorilla walks into a crowded bar.

"I'll have a manhattan, please," he says.

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be $17."

While getting the gorilla's change, the bartender says, "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here ordering manhattans."

The gorilla says, "At $17 a drink, I'm not surprised."

 I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

 Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

 I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

 I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

 They told me I had Type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

 Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

 Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

 How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

 When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

 I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, 'Oh God, I'm screwed.' The sky darkens and a voice booms out, 'No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.' So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives... The voice booms out again, 'Okay ..... NOW you're screwed.' 

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, but

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.