Found For Friday

An Irish man died and his wife arranged an extravagant funeral and wake.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend.

"Ah well, to be sure Paddy would be pleased," she said.

"To be sure you're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "So go on, how much did this really cost?'"

"All of it," said Colleen. "Forty thousand."

"Aw No!" Mary exclaimed. "I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!"

Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500.

The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Mary computed quickly. "For the love of God Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?"



So Colleen showed her:

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred', he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADAfound out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADAtaking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

Deep Thoughts 



Why are they called apartments if they are joined together?



An archaeologist is a best husband a woman can get. As older she grows, the more interested he is in her.



A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.



If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day?



I love being married. It's so great to find that special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.



Anyonewho thinks he is too small to make a difference has never been in bed with a mosquito.



I wear my wife's glasses because she wants me to see things her way.



Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.

A man asked a librarian if where could he find a book entitled 'Males Rule the World'.
The woman gave her most polite smile and replied,"Books on fiction are over the fourth shelf, sir."

A Tequila sunrise...booze will do it every time!
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 70-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"


Redneck Jury

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

Children Writing About the Ocean





1 ) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

(Kelly, age 6)



2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls.

(Jerry, age 6)



3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island.

If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.

(Alex, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily

Richardson.

She's not my friend any more.

(Kylie, age 6)



5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.

(Billy, age 8)



6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.

(Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the

ocean.

Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to

make the wind come.

My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.

(William, age 7)



8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful

and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?

(Helen, age 6)



9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean.

My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom,

and my big sister just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.

(Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can

give you a shock.

They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug

themselves into chargers.

(Christopher, age 7)



11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes

my willy small.

(Kevin, age 6)



12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.

Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.

(Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was

going very fast.

She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.

(Julie, age 7)



14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown

I don't know.

(Bobby, age 6)



15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.

What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.

(James, age 7)

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE..

DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?