Found For Friday

 

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. 

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 

'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. 

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. 

The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh 

... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend..'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. 

She started a

djusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. 

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. 

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?' 

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted 

The body builder worried too much about the lifting contest and his trainer concluded that the mind is a terrible thing to weights.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

 A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think
the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room..

 Dear Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User: 

 This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

 You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony -Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application”Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation 

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , CookIt 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 ..

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

 WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 .. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck   Tech Support

  What is  Old? 

"OLD"  IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"  and you answer, "Choose one, I can't do  both!"


"OLD"  IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes  and you're barefoot.


"OLD"  IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the  garage door. 

 "OLD"  IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your  face. 


"OLD"  IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as  you don't have to go along.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are  cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the  police. 

"OLD"  IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any  fibre today.


"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you  find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD"  IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to  Pee

 The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

When a cow gives birth she not only gives cream, she is de-calf-inated.

Headline of the day: 5000 hares have escaped from the zoo. The police are combing the area.

An arrogant cheerleader has pompomposity.