Found For Friday

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

"Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that"

 A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee..

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God....!!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

 Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. 

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,

A Royal Flush

Beats a Pair - No Matter How Big They Are.

 There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. 

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with
Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:


Someone may come along and promise "Change",

 At a bar... 

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on . . . it doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"

 Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

 Three friends married women from different parts of the country. 

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from North Dakota . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from New York. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

 A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." 

"Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment."

Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"

A gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

"Very good!", said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

"That"s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-law's home?"


"Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!" 

 A Texas A&M Aggie stopped at a gas station in Layfayette. 

While there, the Cajun attendant told the Aggie this riddle: My mama has a child who s not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?

The Aggie was dumbfounded. Gee, I don t know. Who?

It s me! replied the attendant.

Upon returning to school, the Aggie couldn t wait to try the joke out on one of his friends. He asked the first one he saw, My mama has a child who s not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?

Hmmm & I don t know. replied the friend.

The Aggie answered, It s some little Cajun fella in Lafayette! 

 I checked this out on Snoopes and it's for real! 

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE TOO AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

 God and the atheists

One day a group of atheists got together and decided that humans had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked a spokesman to go and tell God that he was no longer needed. 

The spokesman walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that you’re no longer needed. We’re to the point that we can synthesise new elements, we can create the building blocks of life in a test tube, we can clone sheep and soon we will be able to clone people. There’s no end to the miraculous things we can do. You’ve become irrelevant.” 

God listened patiently. After the spokesman finished talking, God said, “Very well! How about this? Let’s have a person-making contest.” To which the spokesman replied, “OK, great!” 

But God added, “Now we’re going to do this the old fashion way, just as I did it originally.” 

The spokesman said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed a handful of dirt. 

God smiled and said, “No, no, no . . . You get your own dirt!”

Thanks for stopping  by,  Have a great week-end.