Found For Friday

  A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can.

You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

  

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.

'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister.  'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.  'You must tell me all about it!'

 

   'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life.  I creamed it.  The sweetest swing I ever made.

 

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

 

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother.  'How unfortunate!

But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister.  'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

 

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister.  'And I was so proud of myself!  And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

  

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

    

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

   

'You missed the goddamn putt, didn't you?'

 GEORGE, THE GOLFER

The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They invited George to join the group and meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to join them, but he might be ten minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right-handed and won the round.

Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be ten minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left-handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be ten minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left- or right-handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right-handed or left-handed, and you always win. What is up with that?''

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is lying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am ten minutes late.''

 A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table but the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said,   "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'

The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that? '

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or shithead" is it?'

The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

'GOOD', said the coach . . . 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'

h/t/ Don M