Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair whilst the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. All the while the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
h/t June Butler
When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Local Area Network in Australia. The LAN down under.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
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