Found For Friday

A man came up to this gorgeous woman who was shopping in a large supermarket and asked her, "Excuse me, but I seem to have lost my wife here in the supermarket.  Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

Surprised, she responded "Why, what good would that do?"

"Well," he responded, "every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

 Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality.

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"

 The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

 A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies "No I'm traveling light"

 So this classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks: "Euripedes?" The professor replies "Yes. Eumenides?

Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov's Dog

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball.

The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.