Found For Friday

  'After Leslie brought home her fiancé to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.

"What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.
"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.
"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"
"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.
"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"
"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.
The conversation continued in much the same fashion.
After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.
The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."'

HELGA'S DIARY ON A  CRUISE SHIP   DEAR DIARY - DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.  Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one, - and I can't wait! ---------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful.  Saw whales and dolphins.  Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man. ---------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 3 At the pool today.  Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.  Felt honored and had a wonderful time.  He is very attractive and attentive. --------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 4   Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.  Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.  He asked me to stay the night, but I declined.  Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband. ---------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 5 Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day.  Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming.  Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.  Again I declined.  He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship...  I was shocked. ---------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 6 Today I saved 2600 lives.     Twice.

 A rich Texan with a private zoo decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all his friends and neighbours plus a Scotsman he had recently met. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around to see the Scotsman in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting its' tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo champion. The water was churning and splashing everywhere.

Both the Scotsman and the croc were screaming and raising hell, but eventually, the Scottish fellow managed to strangle the crocodile which floated to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish. The victorious Scotsman then slowly climbed out of the pool, exhausted! Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, "Well, sir, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

'Thank you but I don't want it,' said the Scotsman.

The rich man said, "I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks" the other man answered.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex watch?"

Again the Scotsman said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well then, what do you want?"

The Scotsman replied, "Honestly, I just want the bastard who pushed me in!"

 Golf is a lot like taxes - you drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.

Doctors feel fine on ships because they are accustomed to see sickness.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 Two fonts walk into the bar.  The bartender says.  “Sorry lads, but we don’t serve your type”.

Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

 The museum had a 3-D exhibit depicting a modern funeral parlor. It was a die-orama.

 Thanks for stopping by.  Enjoy your week-end!