Found For Friday

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a  chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother  Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell
me all about it!'

 'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540
yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's
flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird
in mid-flight!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't
make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom
what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
runs off  down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops
out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still
clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'No, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the
hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the
hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

  When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu

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 America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman

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After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
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 Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind

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You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip

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Have a great week-end.