Found For Friday

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says "I would have gotten out today!"

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.  She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.  She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week. Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

 The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Spike Milligan

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 Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

~ Robin Hall

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If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

~ Arthur C Clarke

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 Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Steve Martin

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 As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn

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 If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?

~ Steven Wright

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 If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport

~ Jonathan Winters

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 I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ Robert Benchley