Found For Friday

 A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor.

He had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The man responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden,  naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,

"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

 When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

 Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

 There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

 The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

  I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.

 Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

 A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.