Found For Friday

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque’ and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.

‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’

‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’.  It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’

It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!  T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor…

‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye

and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!  With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!  It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’

‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’

‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years!  But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind