Found For Friday

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work.

When his wife wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

The ages of man in bottles.

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so striking he decided he must have it.

He took it to the owner: “How much for the bronze rat?”

“$12 for the rat,$100 for the story,” said the owner.

The tourist gave the man $12. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to run toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. “Ah ha,” said the owner, “you have come back for the story?”

“No,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican.”

Subject: The Perfect Husband



Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $5,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$150,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1,350,000"
for it.
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $1,300,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $25,000 if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never before heard - I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when...

Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

The first scientists who studied fog were mistified.

After punching his computer and breaking his hand, the guy required tech knuckle support.

If you need help trying to make up your mind, try putting lip stick on your forehead.

Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean: 'the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?'" Peter said, "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."

A Redneck passed away and left his entire
Estate to his beloved widow . . .
But she can't touch it 'till she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink", and the clerk replies ......"Go ahead."
Did you hear that they have raised the
Minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
Who invented the toothbrush?

A Redneck!!
(If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
Bonus:

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are
traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in
Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out
of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car
and hisses at them through the windshield.

Quick, quick! shouts Sister Mary Agnes, What should we
do?

Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination, says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the
mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing
at the nuns. What shall I do now? she shouts.

Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water
before we left the Vatican, replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The
vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on
and continues hissing at the nuns.

Now what? shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

Show him your cross, says Sister Mary Vincent.

Now you're talking, says Sister Mary Agnes. She then
opens the window and shouts, Get the fuck off our car!