Found For Friday

Happy Friday everyone.

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual.

A group of ladies, who were in the same class at school, met up for a reunion every ten years.

When they were thirty they to the Ocean Grill because the waiters were so handsome and sexy.

When they were forty they went to the same restaurant because it was near to the weight loss clinic they all attended.

When they were fifty, again they chose the Ocean Grill as the view of the sea was unparalleled.

When they were sixty it had to be their old haunt because the menu had easily chewable dishes.

When they were seventy the Ocean Grill was ideal because of its wheelchair access.

When they were eighty they went to the Ocean Grill because they'd never been there before.

I'm Tired of Working

For a couple years now I've been blaming this feeling on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 300 million. 167 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The
other goes to a family in Spain and name him Juan. Years
later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. She tells her husband that she wishes she
had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

For Spo -

'I haven't left my house in days. I watch the news channels incessantly. 
All the news stories are about the election; all the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis. Election, erection, election, erection -- either way we're getting screwed!' -- Bette Midler.
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I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

Taxicab Confessions

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, when then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Taking Life By The Horns

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long alligator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the alligator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

To become a pilot you must have a great altitude

!

A new Redneck law was just recently passed
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down?
'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . Up in flames and the Governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot
of tequila.

Thanks for stopping by - Have a great week-end everyone!