Found For Friday

Sven and Ole were talking one afternoon when Sven tells Ole, "Ya know, I
Reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only dis year I'm a gonna do it a little different.

Da last few years, I took your advice about where to go."

"T'ree years ago you said to go to Hawaii ....... I vent to Hawaii and Lena Got pregnant."

"Den two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Lena got Pregnant again."

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Lena didn't get pregnant again."

Oli asked Sven, "So, what ya gonna do dis year dat's so different?"
 

And Sven says, "Dis year I'm taking Lena vit me!" 

A lady was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee and
A 1 lb. Package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated to her
'You must be single.'

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right. She looked at
the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on
earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly.'

Confucius say, "If you are in a book store and cannot find   the book for which you search, you are obviously 





   in the.....  

  Breakfast

And people think all blondes are dumb...  This one proves otherwise! A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is an auto parts store?' 'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and a pair of running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon! 'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?' I LOVE THIS She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up! FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS IT RIGHT!!!!

 A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.              

A  black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.                                  Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.                    

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't withstand his curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very  poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence,passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog " he asked?

The man replied, "Get in line."

 The Black Bra 

A married woman tells this story:

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.

I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. 

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said,  

(you are going to love this..)

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." 

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .... ......., "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

I'm not sure if I've heard that door chime before, but it rings a bell.

The fortune teller was plain spoken because she was a clear voyant.

Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church?


The first: "I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled the woodwork."


The second: "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!"


The third (who was looking pretty smug): "I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since." 

=

It's a fact, taller people sleep longer in bed

Cryptographers make terrible drummers. They just sit there, fascinated by all the cymbals.

You didn't hear about the three big holes in the ground? Well, well, well

I met some cult members who worshiped soup serving utensils. I said, 'Oh ye of ladle faith.'

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in

Front of car get tired.

 Man who run behind

Car get exhausted.

Crowded elevator

Smell different to midget.