Found For Friday

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born. He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. So she picked up the card and read it.

On it was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole   using my stuff." She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"  Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

 

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead 

  

  

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead 

  

  

Fourth worm in good clean soil -  Alive. 

  

So the Minister asked the congregation - 

  

What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' 

That pretty much ended the service!

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together in a Louisiana factory... and both were laid off.   So.....they went to the Unemployment Office together.

Asked his occupation, Boudreaux said, 'Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.' 

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Boudreaux $300 a week in unemployment compensation.  Thibodeaux, when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel fitter.'

The clerk looked up diesel fitter.... and it was classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $600 a week in unemployment compensation. 

When Boudreaux found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits.

The clerk explained, 'Panty stitchers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor.' 

Wut skill?' yelled Boudreaux. 'I sew da elastic on da panties. Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and says, 'Yeah......... DIESEL FITTER'.

Miss Idaho

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

 'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
 
 The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5.00 ticket for a safety violation.
 
 The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
 a reflector light on the back of it!'
 
 The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
 
 Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,'Yes, he sure did!'
 
 The little girl looked up at the cop and said: 'Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!

 An 80-year-old Scot went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: "How do you stay in such great physical condition?'"

"I am Scottish and I am a golfer," said the old fellow: "and that is why I am in such good
shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it."

"Well,' said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad died?"

The doctor was amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your dad is still alive How old is he?"

"He is 100 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor said, "that's great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Grandad is dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He is 118 years old," said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today"

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

 Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality. 

Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair! 

OK, let's consider the physical evidence. The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.

Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway. 

Thanks for stopping by,  Have a great week-end! Hugs.