Found For Friday

Edna and Ralph

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be Mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

RIPPED OFF ON E-BAY

 

A friend spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.   Bastards sent him a magnifying glass!!

The IRS has announced that they will give a free pencil

sharpener to all taxpayers who pay their taxes on time

next year. 

 

It can be placed on your desk as a constant reminder of the service they provide to you each year. 

At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells ...'THEIRS'?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.

 The  Difference Between Grandmothers & Grandfathers:

        Have you ever wondered what the  difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?  Well, here it is: There was this  loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his  son's family on weekends.
        Every Saturday morning he would take  his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a  drive in the car for some quality time  -- just him and his granddaughter.

        One particular Saturday, however, he  had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.  He knew his granddaughter always  looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed.  Luckily, his  wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for  the drive.

        When they returned, the little girl  anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did  you enjoy your ride with grandma?"  he asked.  "Oh, yes, Papa, it was really  wonderful.  We didn't see a single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we  went!"

        Almost  brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 Doctors vs. Gun Owners 

Doctors

(A)  The number of physicians in the  U.S.   is  700,000.

(B)  Accidental deaths caused by Physicians  per year are   120,000.

(C)  Accidental deaths per physician  is   0.171

Statistics courtesy of  U.S.   Dept of Health  and  Human Services.



Now think about this:

Guns

(A)  The number of gun owners in the  U.S.  is 80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B)  The number of accidental gun deaths  per year, all age groups,  is  1,500.

(C)  The number of accidental deaths  per gun owner  is   .0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI




So,  statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.



Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.' 

 FACT:  NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, 

BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!



Please alert your friends  to this  alarming threat.

We must ban doctors  before this gets completely out of hand!!!!! 

Out of concern for the public at large,  We withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause  people to panic and seek medical attention!

If you took this as an opinion rather then humor, please contact a doctor.

 There are three religious truths: 
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters. 

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* 
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 

 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, dry cleaners depressed and prostitutes delayed? 

"How to identify a Meth Lab"

 

 

It's all just the level of stress. 

You pick up a hitchhiker,  a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital.

Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful,

So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S REAL STRESS!!

Have a great week-end everybody.  Thanks for stopping by.