Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully, she explained,"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. But before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
"It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
"And believe me mister,
as God is my witness,
All I did was tell her."
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
On the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?
Wonder no more ! ! !
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will
Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other
Members of the family and social circle have been
Known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial
Wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for
The dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
Around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick .
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "Ive heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde , "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little f---er on your knee!"
Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Mary... Mary "
"Is that you, John?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, John are you in Heaven?"
*
*
*
*
*
"No... I'm a rabbit in North Dakota"
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, 'Good morning, ladies.'
The novices replied, 'Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you.'
But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, 'I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.'
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, 'Good morning, Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today.'
'Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you.'
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, 'She got out of the wrong side of bed today.'
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.
'Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day.'
'Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning.'
Mother Superior was floored!
'Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me.'
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
'Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.!
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The book about Teflon contained no frictional characters
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle? A tire
As a young boy, Brutus' mother often cautioned him not to run with Caesars.
I dropped a tub of margarine in the kitchen and ended up with a Parkay floor
I couldn't resist the last two. Have a great week-end. Thanks for stopping by.
1 comment:
I still think you don't know anything about penguins.
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