Found For Friday (Christmas Edition)

This is the tale of the Crist family who worked at a zoo. Each year they claimed to be able to predict the overall mood of the year by watching the animals. In particular, the gnu’s who, if their ears were forward, predicted a successful, joyous year, but it their ears were laid back flat, predicted a sorrowful, disastrous year. One year it was young Mary’s turn to “survey” the animals and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to check on the gnus. Well, she botched it, predicting a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. In explanation, the next winter solstice, the local newspaper ran the following headline: ... Mary Crist misses an happy gnu’s ear!

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I aredivorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Done! Not only are they're coming for Christmas - but they're paying their own way too."

During the offseason, Santa decided to try his hand at stand up comedy:

With all my expertise over the years I’ve learned some interesting things. For instance, if a bee and a doorbell get married, what kind of children to you think they’ll have? Humdingers!....And I’ve learned why penguins cross the road only halfway—they like to lay it on the line.....I deliver toys to a boy who parts his hair from ear to ear. Its a real problem—people keep whispering in his nose!

People always have questions about my reindeer. For instance, they want to know why reindeer wear bells. I tell them it’s because their horns don’t work.....Or they ask, “How much reindeer feed do you get for a quarter?” My answer: “None. Quarters don’t eat reindeer feed!”

Then there are the elves. One of the elves is great at magic. He walked around the corner and turned into an outhouse....One elf snored so loud he woke himself up. But then he solved the problem-- he started sleeping in the next room...

 Everyone knows the elves are famous for the baths they take each year. But perhaps you don’t know what the first elf in the tub is called—he’s the ringleader.....We’ve got one elf who just hates to take baths. Once he got so dirty that when he finally took a bath he found some underwear he thought he’d lost three years before.

Everyone knows the part of the Christmas story where there was no room for Joseph and Mary at the Inn ... but what excuse could the Innkeeper have for turning away the pregnant mother of the Savior of the world?

10. Roman’s “Stay Free” promotion a bit too successful.

9. Wife said he couldn’t accept olive wood carvings as payment anymore.

8. Too busy getting new “Motel One” franchise going.

7. Last pregnant lady riding a donkey took all their towels.
6. Filled up for the “Caesar Impersonators’” convention.
5. Didn’t accept the Judean Express Card.
4. Last room left was by the ice machine.
3. Nazareth Shriners tore up the place the night before.
2. Closed front desk early to take family to watch unique star.
1. No last names, no service.

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men ?

Women would say:

They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.

Here’s Men’s rebuttal.....

Yeah, and do you know what they said would have said when they left?

■“Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?”

■“That baby doesn’t look anything like Joseph!”

■“Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in the house?”

■“I heard that Joseph isn’t even working right now!”

■“And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!”

■“Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?”

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!!!