Found For Friday

A young man at a New Year’s party turned to his friend and asked him for a cigarette.

“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” said his friend.

“I’m in the process of quitting,” the man replied, “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”

“What’s phase one?’” asked his friend. 

“I’ve quit buying.”

Why your bartender is better than your shrink

Ever since he was a child, George had a fear of someone hiding under his bed at night.  He knew there was nobody under the bed, because he checked, every night.  But he would  spring awake every night in a panic, sweating, with a racing pulse.  Finally, he decided that something needed to be done.  So he went to his local shrink.

George told the shrink, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink, cinfidently. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?" asked George.

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," George said.  (Hmmm, kinda ironic, since he couldn't sleep, but let's just call that a figure of speech.)

Six months later the doctor met George on the street. "Why didn't you come back to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well," answered George, "Eighty bucks a visit times three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup."

"Is that so!", snorted the shrink with more than a bit of attitude. "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

George smirked and replied, "He told me to cut the legs off my bed!"

FORGET THE SHRINKS.  HAVE A DRINK AND SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL BARTENDER!

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his Wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that Menopause is mentioned in the Bible.  Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly Wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

 Thanks for stopping by,  Have a wonderful New Year's Eve and a terrific 2012.