Found For Friday

 ‎"According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost."

 A TALE FROM THE COUNTRY

"Going to bed the other night, I noticed some people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up.

A minute later I rang again: "Hello, I called you a minute ago because there were some people in my shed, but you don't have to worry now. I shot them."

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus a helicopter and an armed tactical response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the offices said: "I thought you said you'd shot them!"

To which I replied: "I thought you said there was no one available!"

Ahhhhh……the wisdom of of the ages.

 A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"  

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall.

 A macho young swimmer named Dwyer,

Really liked playing with fire.
One night in the dark
He swam with a shark,
And his voice is now two octaves higher

 31 top things that you will never hear a Southern boy say:

31. When I retire, I'm movin' North.
30. Oh I just couldn't. She's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.

 24. That car is too old and unsafe to drive.

23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

 19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a rat's ass who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

 14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

 9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Becky Mae.....darlin'

AND THE NUMBER ONE THANG THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

 Words of Wisdom

"The early bird may get the  worm, but the second mouse gets the  cheese."

 Thanks for stopping by.  Have a great week-end!  Hugs to all.