After leaving work, the clerk saw the two nuns, very visibly intoxicated, sitting on the sidewalk. He went up to them and scolded them, "I thought that brandy was for Mother Superior's constipation!" One of the nuns replied, "It is. When she sees us, she’s gonna shit!"
-- Knock, knock?
-- Who's there?
-- To.
-- To who?
-- To whom.
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk looking totally stressed out.
He gives him some friendly advice: "I used to be stressed, too, but then I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic, and it really helped me relax and be more productive. You should try it too!".
Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The out-box is full, and the computer is running at full speed.
He said, "I see you followed my advice?"
"I did," answers the employee, "It was great! By the way, I didn't know you had such a nice house!"
In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
"Don't sell that cow."
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee"s home phone number and was greeted with a child"s whisper. "Hello ?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No"
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, "ME"
A mother bought her daughter a Ken doll that had real hair. One day the mother noticed that the hair had lice in it. She was disguted and decided to boil the doll in a pan. As the lice died she carefully skimmed them out of the water with a ladel.
Unfortunately, the stench of the dead lice caused her to sneeze and she blew the dead lice all over the stove.
Moral: "The best ladeled pans of lice and Ken oft turn to spray."
A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?"
"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."
"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you are done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."
It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile.
"Did you do a good job?" she asked.
"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes."
of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of
the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,
makes no difference who you are."
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed
in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,
and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
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