Found for Friday

 Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the
window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around
intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only
two left."

 A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a
nickel. After a few minutes in the store, the boy starts choking, going
blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the
nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets
up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and
then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

 These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. 

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?" 

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?" 

The Russian says, "What's meat?" 

The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?" 

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

 Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident: 

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus. 

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows: 

Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn 

Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo

A fisherman's wife gave birth to twin boys. The couple couldn't think up names. So, they decided to wait a few days before naming them. They soon noticed that one always looked towards the sea. The other looked away from the sea. It didn't matter where they were. 

The parents named them Towards and Away. 

When the boys reached 18, their father took them to sea to learn to fish. The trip was supposed to be short. But the fisherman's wife waited weeks before her husband returned alone. 

When she asked about Towards and Away, the fisherman told her the story. Towards snagged a large fish on the first day. He struggled with the fish for days. Eventually, it pulled Towards over the side of the ship and devoured him. 

"Oh, my," said the fisherman's wife. "That must have been a huge fish!" 

"Yes," replied her husband, "but you should have seen the one that got Away.

 My aunt's beloved cat Ginger had grown seriously overweight, so she decided to take him to the vet to find out if there was anything wrong with him - and more to the point, whether anything could be done about it. 


So she put him into the kitty-carry box, and drove to the surgery. 

The doc prescribed a course of pills, and my aunt left, happy in the knowledge that Ginger would soon be his slim old self again. 

But after a few weeks of taking the pills, there was no change: Ginger was as fat as ever. Soon months had gone by, and still there was no difference. In fact, if anything, it was getting worse. 

The other problem was the invoices from the vet - these pills were costing a fortune. 

It soon became clear to us all that Ginger had become a doc-billed fatty-puss.

 Grand Delusions 

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." 

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

 Did you hear about the pharmaceutical company? 

They developed a new drug that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent and become a nun. 

The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming. 

 Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." 

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." 

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" 

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

 Too much speeding 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. 

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain" 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." 

"But, officer, I just wanted to say" 

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." 

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Have a great week-end.