A couple was celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one, now a renowned orthopedist, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, trial lawyer, arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter, a Wall Streeter, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones, too."
His military etiquette
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
REASONS TO BE A CHEMIST
All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!
Clark Kent style safety glasses
Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.
The "opportunity" to deal with irate clients asking "where are my results?"
Because it's pHun 
Access to 100% pure ethanol
Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies
You never have to worry about what you're doing on Friday night (You're working in the lab)
Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.
You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment.
ditto for cancer
You are adept at poverty cooking
You prefer to get your course credits the hard way.
1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear
1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats
1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant
All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.
All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them. - Walt Disney
All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.
All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
All things being equal, all things are never equal.
All things being equal, heavy people use more soap.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle!
Walking a little faster, he looks back, and he makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the sidewalk towards him . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP.
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him . . . faster . . . faster . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and slams and locks the door behind him.
But the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping . . . clappity-BUMP . . . clappity-BUMP . . . clappity-BUMP . . . on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door, still bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something . . . anything . . . but all he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the box of cough drops at the coffin!
And of course . . . the coffin stopped!
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Ida and a frog
An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, 'I'M LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'
Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found
anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed
him in the car, on the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!
So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.
SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO? ?
COME ON GUESS!
*
*
*
*
SHE TURNED INTO
the first Holiday Inn
SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK
No comments:
Post a Comment