Friday, October 19, 2012

Found For Friday

A couple was celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one, now a renowned orthopedist, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two, trial lawyer, arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter, a Wall Streeter, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones, too."


 His military etiquette 
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? 
Soldier: Sure, buddy. 
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. 
Do you have change for a dollar? 
Soldier: No, SIR! 

 REASONS TO BE A CHEMIST 
All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want! 
Clark Kent style safety glasses 
Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances. 
The "opportunity" to deal with irate clients asking "where are my results?" 
Because it's pHun  
Access to 100% pure ethanol 
Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies 
You never have to worry about what you're doing on Friday night (You're working in the lab)
Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo. 
You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment. 
ditto for cancer 
You are adept at poverty cooking 
You prefer to get your course credits the hard way.

 Useless statistics 

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed 
2. All polar bears are left-handed 
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear 

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles 
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles 
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight 


 1. All dogs are animals 
2. All cats are animals 
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats 

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second 
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second 
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant


All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy. 

All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way. 

All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them. - Walt Disney 

All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. 
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right. 

All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism. 

All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. 

All things being equal, all things are never equal. 

All things being equal, heavy people use more soap. 

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.



On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle!



 A man was walking home alone late one night passing a cemetery when he hears a BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . behind him.

Walking a little faster, he looks back, and he makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the sidewalk towards him . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP.

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him . . . faster . . . faster . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and slams and locks the door behind him.

But the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping . . . clappity-BUMP . . . clappity-BUMP . . . clappity-BUMP . . . on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door, still bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something . . . anything . . . but all he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the box of cough drops at the coffin!

And of course . . .  the coffin stopped!

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

 A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Ida and a frog


  An older lady  named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died  and decided she needed another pet to keep her  company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She  searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to  catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she  walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he  winked at her.






He whispered,  'I'M LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU  WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

Ida figured, what the  heck! She hadn't found
anything else. So she  bought the frog. She placed
him in the car, on  the front seat beside her.
As she was slowly  driving down the road, the frog whispered to her  'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!




So, Ida  figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the  frog.


IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into  an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome  prince.


THE PRINCE  THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.

SUDDENLY IDA  FELT HERSELF
TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW  
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO?  ?
COME ON  GUESS!  



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SHE  TURNED INTO
the first Holiday Inn
SHE  COULD FIND!!!



She's old...... NOT  DEAD!!!!!
OLD LADIES ROCK  


    
LAUGHTER DOES THE BODY  GOOD. HAVE A GREAT  DAY!





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