Found For Friday - Warning "Adult" Humor Ahead. -( Don't Blame me, Blame Sam...)

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,

a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad , what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,

your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They

rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for

lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of

Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required

ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and

boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from

Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has

a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's

leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth

Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have

a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a

surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment

banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second

home in Naples, Florida .

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her

boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow

their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on

his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan

blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They

live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer

parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains

that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They

live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Ole always caught his limit of fish and he would never tell anyone his secret. Finally the Game Warden threatened to take away Ole's license unless Ole taught him how he did it.

Ole finally agreed to meet him early one morning to go fishing. The Game Warden came with six rods and three tackle boxes, so he'd be ready for anything. Ole showed up with a small brown paper bag.

They climbed in a row boat and Ole rowed out to a spot on the lake. Ole then opened his bag and pulled out a stick of dynamite, lit it and tossed it into the water. After an explosion and shower of water, dozens of fish floated to the surface. Ole started to row the boat around picking up fish.

The Game Warden was surprised and furious. He shouted, "Ole, you can't do that! It's against the LAW!"

Ole calmly reached into his bag and took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He tossed it to the Game Warden and asked, "Vell, are ya gonna to talk? Or, ya gonna fish?"

Sven and Ole were busy shingling a roof when Sven noticed that Ole was throwing away about half of the nails.

Sven asked, "vy are ya trowing avay all dose nails"?

"Vell, dey got da heads on da wrong ends"! ,replied Ole.

"Ole, you sure are stupid. Dose nails are for da udder side of da roof!"

 My wife & I found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this  from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. 

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week." 

Sven and Ole bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the keys in the car. Sven says to Ole, "I thought you had the keys."

Ole says, "You ver driving, da driver always takes da keys."

"Well," says Sven, "It doesn't much matter, da question is vat are ve going ta do about it."

Ole says, "I don't know, but ve bedder come up vit someting fast because it looks like rain, and you had ta go and leave da top down."

Ole decides he will go into town to buy some groceries. So off he goes. Within a few minutes, he comes to a river. He looks up and down and across, but cannot see either a bridge or a spot to cross. Just as he is about to give up and go home, his good friend Sven arrives on the other side. Ole calls out and asks how to get to the other side. Sven is surprised by the question. He looks up the river and down, then down at his feet and then across at Ole.

Sven responds: "You are on da udder side!"

Ole and Lena had an argument while they were driving down a country road. After a while they got tired of repeating themselves and neither wanted to back down, so they drove along not saying a word.

Than, as they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, Lena sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yup," Ole replied. "In-laws."

Ole and Lena were at the fair and saw a pilot giving rides. They went up to the pilot and asked how much it was, the pilot said, "Twenty dollars."

Ole said, "Dat's vay too much! I won't pay dat!"

Then the pilot said, "Well......If you make it through the whole ride without screaming, I wont make you pay."

Ole talked to Lena for a little while and they agreed that it was alright. So the pilot took them up in the plane and started doing a bunch of barrel roles and stuff to make them scream, but he never heard them scream. After the ride was over the pilot said, "I am surprised that you didn't scream, most people do."

Ole said, "Yeah, but it vas really hard ven Lena fell out."

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A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, "Yep, dat's her!"

Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.

"Ole, vere did ya get dat car?" Sven asked.

"Lena gave it to me".

"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?".

"Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off alla her clothes and said, "Ole take vatever you vant."...So I took da car"

"Ole, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."

After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?"

"Not even once!" exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?" "Well, er, yes - but only tree times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed.

"Hmmm, tree times?" questioned Ole. "Dat's not so bad. Do you remember dose tree times? Can you tell me when?"

"Vell Ole, do you remember ven you wanted to build an addition, but had to get da okay from da building inspector?" she asked. "Dat vas da first time."

"And do you remember ven you wanted ta build da store and you had a hard time getting approval from da City Council?" asked Lena. "That vas da second time."

"OK, Lena, when vas da tird time?" asked Ole?

"The tird time vas " Lena paused. "Do you remember ven you were running for president of da Sons of Norway and you needed dose 125 votes

Ole and Lena were lying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, "Vell, how da hell should I know, dats over 2,000 miles away" and he hung up.

Lena say's "who vas dat Ole?"

Ole say's "Hell if I know, some guy vants ta know if da coast is clear."

Sven came home to his apartment one night, all Upset. "Dat yanitor, vot a bragger. He says he's (Vell ya know) been with every voman in dis building except one."

"Hmmph," said his wife Lena. "Must be dat snooty Mrs.Johnson on da tird floor."

Added - Don't blame me - blame Colby

Fix that gutter downspout TODAY!"

So I invited the boys over. One brought his welder the others brought beer. Took us about 4 hours, mostly for the beer, but we got the downspout fixed. Wife is still speechless... I’m certain not for much longer tho’.