Found For Friday

From Colby 

 A Norwegian   and a German entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the German stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, the  German said to the Norwegian,

"Man I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate   bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that."

The Norwegian replied:

 "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you  real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the Norwegian said to   the shopkeeper, "Do you want to see magic?"

The shopkeeper   replied, "Yes."

The Norwegian said, "Give me one chocolate bar."

The shopkeeper   gave him one, and he ate it.

The Norwegian asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.

 He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper  asked: "But where's the magic?"

The Norwegian replied: "Check in my  friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

You just  can't beat a Norwegian!

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

 

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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ole went to the Doctor because he was feeling a little sick. After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, "I'm sorry to tell you that you have a rare disease that is incurable and you are going to die in 6 months. But to help you out I'm going to prescribe that you move in with your mother-in-law."

Ole replied, "Criminy, dat's bad Doc, but vy should I move in vit my old mudder-in-law."

The Doc said, "Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life."

Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

Ole says, "Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt ven da phone rang and I accidentally answered da iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

Ole says, "I tried ta call da doctor."

Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery here early this morning.

Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that is is a Caesarian."

Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it vould be a Norvegian."

Ole and Lena had been married seven years. Lena was getting worried that Ole might be getting the seven year itch. She thought he was cheating on her. Lena says to Ole "You never tell me you love me. Is there someone else?"

Ole replies "When ve got married I told you I loved you. If I ever change my mind I'll let ya know."

Lena stepped up to the clerk in the department store and said, "Can I try on dat dress in da window?"

The clerk responded, "We'd really prefer that you try it on in the dressing room."

Ole was getting ready to go to work one day when Lena stopped him and complained, "Ole, the vashing machine is broke down don't ya know, I vant ya to fix it!".

Ole walked out the door yelling, "Lena, vat do I look like, da Maytag repairman?"

That evening when Ole got home Lena was standing in the yard and said to Ole, "Ole, da car it von't start! Please Ole, fix da car".

Ole kept walking into the house yelling, "Lena, Lena, vat do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

The next day when Ole came home from work Lena said, "Look Ole, da car, it is fixed and the vashing machine, it is vorking too! Lars down da road come by and I asked him if he would fix it for me".

"And vat did he charge ya for doin' it?", Ole asked. Lena replied, "Vell Ole, he said he would do it for some romance (Vell ya know) or if I baked him a cake."

"Vell, vut kind of a cake did you make him?", asked Ole

Lena replied, "Vat do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

Ole and Lars worked on a construction crew. One day Lars noticed that the foreman always left the project about an hour early. "Say Ole," suggested Lars, "Vy don't WE take off a little early too... yust like da foreman."

So they agreed to try it. As soon as Ole got home, he looked all over for Lena. Finally he opened the bedroom door...and there she was (Vell ya know) in bed with the foreman. Ole silently closed the door and tiptoed out of the house.

The next day, Ole confronted Lars. "Ve better not try anudder stunt like ve did yesterday. I almost got caught!"

 Every year for the 17th of May parade the Swedes line up on one side of the road for the parade, the Norwegians on the other side. Those crazy Swedes would throw firecrackers at the Norwegians. Of course the Norwegians would get mad and light the firecrackers and throw them back.

Ole goes into a lumber yard to buy some 2x4's."May I help you", asks the salesman. "How long do you want' em?"

Ole replies: "Oh, for long time. I'm building a house."

Sven and Ole go to the beach, and after a couple hours Sven says, "This ain't no fun. How come da girls aren't friendly to me?"

"Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a big potato in your swim trunks, dat would help."

So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, "I tried vat you told me with da potato, but it doesn't help."

"Um, Sven, you're supposed to put da potato in da FRONT!"

In the middle of the show, Ole stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, "HEY!

You've been making too many jokes about us Norwegians! Knock it off ya bum!"

The ventriloquist replies, "Take it easy. They're only jokes!"

Ole replies, "You idiot, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to dat little guy sitting on yer knee!"