Ode to a Computer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot it, and let it go out with a bang,'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the micro-code instructions cause unnecessary risk, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to ram your ROM,
So quickly turn off your compu...
Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
“That’s it,” he tells his wife, “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother is a hundred and three. He can’t help.”
“He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother- in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did,” says Iain “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.
“I don’t remember.”
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A police officer who stops a man walking erratically down the street in the wee small hours asks where he thinks he's going. The fellow replies,"Offisher, I'm on my way to a lecture on Free....hic....Freemashonry, offisher."
The cop asks, "But it's 3 am, who's going to give you a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of this morning?"
Our hero replies, "My wife, when I get home."
h/t Madpriest
The cop asks, "But it's 3 am, who's going to give you a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of this morning?"
Our hero replies, "My wife, when I get home."
h/t Madpriest
Three Government Contractors
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that friends, is how it all works!
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection,make him a sandwich .
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you
Still can't help but smile when
You shove them down the stairs.
Number
5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
Lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
And a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And
The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
What you do today, might burn Your ass tomorrow
Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.
Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.
Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.
Dadicated: being the best father you can be.
Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.
Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.
Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.
Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.
Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.
Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.
Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.
Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.
Mandals: sandals for men.
Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving directions in an overly critical manner.
Obliment: an obligatory compliment.
Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty person.
Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.
Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who's not too bright.
Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.
Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.
Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.
Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.
Wackajacky: very messed up.
Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.
Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while yawning.
Zingle: a single person with a lot of pep in his or her step.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is .. . ... ...having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money....
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.
2 comments:
Did you have to send it in to Apple to replace a battery?? This is why I rag on Apple so much; a great product but they lock you into their terms way too much.
Glad you are back up and running though. Missed you at Lodge last night.
No, It was more than a battery. It was the keyboard which has been giving me fits for a long time. The battery was secondary. I took it to Heartland Technologies and they discovered it was still under Applecare so they sent it in. I am very satisfied with Apple. Not only great products but they have always taken great care of me.
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