Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please!," says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers......
"What part did you get?"
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.'
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the colour of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song,
they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service,
she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem ..
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to
'Honour thy father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'
Drumming...
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"
No more problem.
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"
No more problem.
2 comments:
Very good jokes!! I love the first and the last. Wish I'd thought of that when my son's great aunt gave him a drum for his first birthday.
I like the Village People puss.
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