Bailey's Buddy: Found For Friday

A male chauvinist tells his buddy over drinks, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."

His buddy asks, "Oh? Why do you wonder about that?"
To which he replies, "Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!"

A priest was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the priest was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the priest was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said,

"All right, give him the dog."

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects.

"Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop, maybe within the next couple of years."

"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"

"Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop, given luck and God's blessing."

"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"

"Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely. But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."

"Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion. So what's after Cardinal?"

The priest smiles. "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope. But I'm hardly likely to become . . . hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible. If a Pole can, why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope."

"Splendid! I would take personal pride in your becoming the Pope. And after Pope what?"

The priest looks at him in surprise, "After Pope? There's nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just God above the Pope. I can't become God."

"So why not?" the Rabbi said, "one of our boys made it."

The local news station was interviewing an 85-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 85, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, then a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, the funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and patiently explained, " I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

It's a slow night at a local pub in Ireland, and the owner is polishing some glasses and thinking of closing up early, when he hears a knock at the back door.

He opens it, and there in the alley are two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Kate, both are looking up and down the alley, as if they don't want to be seen. They ask to be invited in, and the owner brings them into the kitchen.

"We've a favor to ask," explains Sister Kate. "It's not for us, you understand, but for poor Father Tim."

"He's been struck with an awful case of constipation," continues Sister Mary. "And they only thing that seems to help is a bit of whisky. Now we'd buy it ourselves, but this town being as full of gossips as it is, we don't want to start tongues to wagging."

"Now as a good, church-going man, we've come to ask if you might spare a little something for poor Father Tim, and to use your discretion in the doing of it," finishes Sister Kate.

"Of course, Sisters," replies the barman, and he returns with a full bottle of the best whisky. "Give this to Father Tim with my compliments, and my best wishes for a speedy recovery."

An hour or two passes, and the barman closes shop and drives home. As he's driving, he sees Sister Mary and Sister Kate arm-in-arm, walking down the road, and singing at the top of their lungs. Sister Mary is carrying the bottle, which has perhaps an inch left in it. He slows and rolls down the window as he brakes to a stop.

"Sisters," he says' "I'm ashamed of you. You told me the whisky was for Father Tim's constipation."

"Ah, but it is," replies Sister Mary. "We're headed that way now, and when Father Tim sees us in this condition, the man is likely to shit himself."

An elderly woman was telling her daughter about a date with a 90-year-old man. "Believe it or not, I had to slap his face three times!" said the woman.

"Do you mean that old man got fresh with you?" the daughter asked in disgust.

"Oh, no!" her mother explained, "I had to keep slapping his face to keep him awake!"

A group of managers are given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders and dropping the tape measures. The whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs: "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking forthe height and he gives us the length!"

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, m ea suring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies: "Forget it man, you don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? ''NO!' the children answered..

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven? 'Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?' A six year-old boy shouted out

"YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.........."

THE YELLOW LIGHT

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''