Found For Friday

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a gorgeous young woman nearby.

He asked his trainer, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby"

WHERE is my  SUNDAY paper?!"
The  irate  customer calling the  newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where  her Sunday edition was.
"Madam",  said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.  The Sunday paper is not delivered until  tomorrow, on  SUNDAY".
There  was quite a long pause on the other end of the  phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she  was heard to mutter, ..
 ..."Well,  shit, that explains why no one was at church  either

 A man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg".

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

A man calls home to his wife and says,  "Honey, I've been invited to fly to Canada  with my boss and several of his friends to go fishing, for the long weekend.  This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a three-day weekend.  And also, would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?  We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I'll swing by the house to pick-up my things.  Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas. The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked. Following the long weekend he returns home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good.  The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He  says,Yes!  Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike. "But", he  said, "why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas, like I asked you to do? You'll love the answer. The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box". Never, Never, Never try to outsmart a woman!

 A frog goes for a loan. The loan agent was Ms. Patty Stack and she asked if he had collateral. He showed her something that, to her, looked like a marble and said "this is what I have for collateral". She took it to the bank president and said "this is what he has for collateral, what is it, and should I give him the loan"? The bank president said "why, that's a nic nac, Patty Stack; give that frog a loan"

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

 Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Definitions so good they should be in the dictionary

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends

and is now growing in the middle. 

 BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 

 COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

EGOTIST:Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

HANDKERCHIEF:Cold Storage. 

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 

MOSQUITO:An insect that makes you like flies better. 

RAISIN:A grape with a sunburn. 

SECRET:Something you tell to one person at a time. 

SKELETON:A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. 

TOOTHACHE: 
The pain that drives you to extraction. 

TOMORROW:One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. 

YAWN:An honest opinion openly expressed. 


And MY Personal Favorite!
WRINKLES:Something other people have, 
Similar to my character lines.

Thanks to all who shared jokes this week and especially to John who made the new Oatmeal poster. (I thin he gets tired of my repeats.)  Thanks for stopping by have a great week-end. j