Found For Friday

Fair warning - Puns ahead!

John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

Did you hear about the raisin who cheated on his wife?

It was in the newspaper, in the currant affairs section.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.  "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. 

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(wait for it)

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

The best lawyer story of all time . . . bar none.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation
from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid
the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research
shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars,
you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something
back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your
research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I
didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother,
a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable
to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology,
but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's
husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage
and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm
so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money
to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

We are about to enter the BBQ season.

Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
               Routine...
               (1) The woman buys the food.
               (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.
               (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.
               (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

               Here comes the important part:

               (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL

               More routine...
               (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
               (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he flips the meat.

               Important again:
               (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

       More routine...
               (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.
              (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

      And most important of all:
              (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. 

              (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off,' and upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women. 

A man had a dog called Minton.

One day it ate two shuttlecocks.

When the owner found out, he said "bad Minton!"

There was a really smart sheep in Mexico who knew how to make butter and buttermilk. One night she sneaked across the border and got a job working for a farmer who tried to sell her stuff. Traffic was very heavy and the sight of this sheep making butter and buttermilk was so distracting that there was an accident. The police issued the farmer a citation for attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway

Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced: "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door." "Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?"
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

After a visit to the Brothel, a man notices green lumps on his willy, so he goes to the doctor.
“That’s serious” says the doctor. “You've heard that some wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says the man seriously.
“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

 Two cannibals meet one day. One says, "I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked, roasted, stewed and barbecued them. I just can't seem to get them tender." The other asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" He says "They wear brown cloaks with rope belts and they're sort of bald with a funny ring of hair on their heads." The other replies "No wonder, those are friars!"

 A panda walks into a deli and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda gets up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay!" The panda yells "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager looks it up and the definition is: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."