A panda walks into a deli and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda gets up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay!" The panda yells "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager looks it up and the definition is: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Life from the seat of a tractor
An old Farmer's Words of Wisdom we could all live by...
“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”
“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”
“Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.”
“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”
“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.”
“Meanness doesn't just happen overnight.”
“Forgive your enemies; it messes with their heads.”
“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”
“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”
“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”
“Every path has a few puddles.”
“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”
“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”
“Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t ever gonna happen anyway.”
“Don't judge folks by their relatives."
“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”
“Live a good and honorable life, and then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”
“Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you any.”
“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”
“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”
“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got."
“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”
“Always drink upstream from the herd.”
“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”
“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”
“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”
“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”
“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”
"This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" the policeman thinks to himself.
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly," the old woman says proudly. "Twenty-two miles an hour. Just as it says on the road signs."
The Police officer realises the driver's mistake and, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer," the driver replies. "We've only just come off the A120."
Q: I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
A: Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q: What are forceps?
A: Giant baby tweezers.
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it's a girl, for starters.
Q: What is the grasp reflex?
A: The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Thanks for stopping by. Have a great week-end. Hugs, j
1 comment:
I liked the 'toad' one the most
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