Wedding Cynic

One of my former students is getting married today and I am happy for him and his bride. I wish them the very best in their marriage. I am afraid, however, that I am a bit cynical about marriages. The Christian Churches say that a marriage is between one man and one woman. They have politicized it to the point where it is a very divisive thing in our society. They also say that Jesus blessed the marriage a Cana and of course Jesus had some things to say about divorce.
I am glad I am not married - sometimes. At other times I wish I had that love in my life. I think I was always afraid to give that much of myself. Some of my friends accuse me of wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I guess I do here on the Blog but unless you are reading it or unless I care a lot about you I will never show those feelings to you.

I can go just so far in a relationship and then I will back off for fear of being hurt or by actually being hurt. I think I am at that point in one right now. Sometimes the person does not even know what was done was hurtful.

I know that there are a lot of types of marriage. Just scanning the article on Marriage linked earlier will give you an overview. I understand that in the Muslim world the Prophet says something like it is all right to have four wives and then goes on to say that you must treat them equally and adds that this is an impossibility.

My earliest memory is attending my Aunt Jo's wedding. It was beautiful and they sang "Always." I was probably about 4 years old and it made quite an impression on me. There's was a successful marriage.

Over the years I have observed many marriages (including two of my mothers) and the best one was that of my grandparents. They were married for over 50 years and my grandfather worshiped my grandmother. When she died he lost his reason for living and slowly declined. Other marriages have not always been so successful. In our country we seem to practice serial polygamy - marring several spouses one at a time. On the soap opera I watch (General Hospital) it is hard to keep track of all of the marriages and weddings and just who has been married to who. Sometimes I feel like that in real life.

My Uncle once said that the only reason to get married was to have children. (He was a smart man but not always right about everything) Well I have news for him. If that is the case why do two 80 year old people get married? You can also have children without being married.

One wedding I went to (also a former student) the congregation was told that it would be a successful marriage (The minister referred to it as "Team ________") because the bride was such a servant! A servant! Sounds to me like that was to be a type of slavery. I was appalled. Several of us were. In fact, we made reference to the blood dripping out of our mouths for biting out tongues right in half.

I don't mind people getting married. I thought about it when I was younger but I always found some reason to avoid it. Probably because I didn't like myself very much and I also found some reason to think that I could not spend the rest of my life with that person. One was such a bigot that I stopped dating her all together. I also did not have very successful marriages in my immediate life. My mother married two losers - One a womanizer and the other an alcoholic.

I look at some people who are married and wonder why they are married. It seems as if they don't even like each other. One such marriage (now ended) the husband constantly put the wife down. She finally got enough gumption to leave him and I admire her for that. Her life is not the same but she certainly is better off without him.

Some marriages seem to be about control. The wife (or the husband) has the power and the spouse must check with them before they do anything. If not, there are recriminations. My mother used to be upset when her friend said, "I'll have to check with _________ before I can tell you whether or not I can go." Of course she did not like men much at all at that stage in her life. I have a feeling she used to like them a lot.

Then there are spouses who cheat or have affairs. I have known of men who leave their wives for younger women...that is an ego thing. Sometimes the spouse finds out - they divorce and go their separate ways. At other times they live their fantasy of a perfect marriage or stay together "for the sake of the children." Then there are the Clinton's...but I won't go into that.

I think I can understand it. Sometimes they have an "Open Marriage" - it is all right for them to have sex with other people - as long as they don't really develop a relationship with them. Just scratching an itch, so to speak.

I really have to say that I know there are a lot of relationships that pass the test of time. Yes, even gay ones. I have two sets of friends who have been together for over 20 years and of course there are those who are married in the traditional sense for 50 or 60 years. Sometimes they act like they are still in love and teenagers. I believe I mentioned an aunt and uncle who had each other's names tattooed on their arms.

I once saw a couple in the grocery store and they inspired the poem I have shared previously. I will share it again here.

Dancin’ The Slow Dance!
January 11, 2005

They came down the aisle,
Side by side,
Arm in arm.
Left foot right foot,
Forward together,
They’re dancin’ the slow dance now.

Not for them intricate steps of a Tango, Rumba or Waltz,
No Boogie Woogie, Charleston, or Cha Cha Cha
He doesn’t sweep her around the floor or dip her way back,
But they still move together,
Slow dancin’ to the music of life

You can tell theirs has been a long dance
The way they move together
A joy to watch for those who see.
(Most don’t see them).
Just an old couple moving slowly through the store

But there is rare beauty in their movement
Side by side,
Arm in arm,
Left feet forward.
Right feet forward
They’re slow dancin’ the last dance together.

So to my student and his bride I wish for you a marriage like these folks had. I hope that when you are "old and gray" you will still be together - dancing whatever dance you are able to dance. I hope you will be able to look back over the years to this day and think of it as the beginning of a beautiful life together. God Bless you both!

You are loved. Be happy! Hugs