Found for Friday

When you're from the country you look at things a little different..........

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'

'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I knows where all the tools are, if you want to barrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded.

'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $15 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'
Meet Marvin, Men's Answer to Maxine!!!

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
To the select few women who can handle it!

AND MAXINE SAYS............'MARVIN'...




Maxine just had to have the last word.







*A nurse walks into a bank
Totally exhausted after a 20-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a rectal thermometer
Out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,

'Well, that's great..........
that's really great..........

Some asshole has my pen.'


I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

and finally, in honor of the bride in the photos that we've been talking about all week:

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
_I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
_When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'


Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.


The Cardiologist's Funeral......





A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.








25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER



1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
'Just wait until we get home.'

17... My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'


19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up...'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23.. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

First Lady material???