How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?The answer is 10:
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they either favor changing the light bulb or support darkness;
5. One to give a billion-dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step-ladder under the banner "Light bulb Change Accomplished";
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally "in the dark";
8. One to viciously smear #7;
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along;
10. And, finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
Men Are Just Happier People.
* What do you expect from such simple creatures?
* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be President.
* You can never be pregnant.
* You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
* You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* The world is your urinal.
* You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Same work, more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* A wedding dress is $5,000 but a Tux rents for $100.
* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* One mood all the time.
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
* Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades!
* You only have to shave your face and neck.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* Your belly usually hides your big hips.
* One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
* You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
* You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier...
I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument of George W. Bush. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.We then decided to erect a statue of George W. in the Washington D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington who never told a lie, or beside Richard Nixon, who never told the truth since George W. could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all. He didn't know where he was going and when he got there, he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, destroyed the well-being of the majority of the population while he was there, and he did it all on someone else's money.
Thank You.
The George W. Bush Monument Committee
(So far we have collected $1.35)
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with Interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the differencebetween a simple blessing and last rites.'
The OrganistThere was a church somewhere in North Carolina that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts. She told her that it might shrink them in size. She warned her though, not to eat any because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.
The organist agreed to give it a try.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said...
"Dewto thircumsthanthis b'wond my contwol, we will not haf a thermon t'day."
A Great Wedding.
The wedding date was set and the groom's 3 pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.The carpenter figured sawing the bed slats would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom's buddies received the following note:
DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED, THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SET BACK, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY.
These classifieds were really put in the paper - a smile for your dayFREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.''Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Two Mexican businessmen in Tijuana were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked, "What you sell?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, "You doing velly well, only two left."
9 WORDS/PHRASES WOMEN USE(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*cK YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
>JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH
>Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
>mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
>The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is
>the happiest day of her life.'
>The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom
>wearing black?'
>~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
>could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear
>Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
>While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting
>her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off,
>and started ru nning again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear
>Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
>~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first
>boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
>poem, they give him $50.'
>The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece
>of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
>The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a
>piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect
>all the money!'
>~~~~~~~~~~~~
>An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no
>male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service,
>she wrote, 'They would n't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them
>to take me out when I'm dead.'
>~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had
>to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
>~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with
>them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
>~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A Sunday school teacher was dis cussing the Ten Commandments with her five
>and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father
>and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
>treat our brothers and sisters?'
>Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
>~~~~~~~~~~~~
>At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
>human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how
>Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
>Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
>and she said, 'Jo hnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I
>have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
>~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
>preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all
>this Satan stuff?'
>The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's
>probably just your Dad.'
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop
>laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a la
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