Found for Fridays

Government Bureaucrats:

So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a ranch in Wright County, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The water representative says, "Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the water rep running for his life. Close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your card! Show him your card!"
Quote for the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit--.'

Love and appreciate all the women in your life.



A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a
day roaming around Mexico. While sipping his tequila,
he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being
served at the next table...

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, "Bull's Testicles"
from the bull fight this morning. A Delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am sorry Senor. There is only one
serving per day, because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you place your order, we wil be sure to save
you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order,
and that evening was served the one and only special
delicacy of the day.

After a few bites and inspecting his platter, he called the
waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much,
much smaller than the ones I saw you server yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si, Senor, sometimes the bull wins.

Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar.

Ole says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Damn!" says Sven. "I just joined the Masons!"

Observations __
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.' --Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.' --Author Unknown

'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.' --Drew Carey

'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.'--Jeff Foxworthy

'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she wil l choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.' --Dave Barry

'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.' --Bob Ettinger

'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'' -Paula Poundstone

'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.' --Conan O'Brien

'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner.' --Lynda Montgomery

'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'' -Richard Jeni

'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.' --Johnny Carson

'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.' --Paul Rodriguez


'My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law.' --Jerry Seinfeld

'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?' --Warren Hutcherson

'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.' --Oscar Wilde

'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.' --Mark Twain

'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan ' --A. Whitney Brown

'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'' --Dave Barry


Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken. -- Unknown, presumed deceased

'Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.' --W. C. Fields

And lastly: Why in the hell should I have to 'Press 1 for English?' --Every American

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this House and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, And when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous Dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

'The wife replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.