Found For Friday

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. 'Which road do I take?' she asked. His response was a question: 'Where do you want to go?' 'I don't know,' Alice answered. 'Then,' said the cat, 'it doesn't matter.'

Lewis Carroll

1864-1928, writer

ispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all
out of breath.......
Darn......I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are
you an asthmatic?
Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you
started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police
How To Avoid The Swine Flu

Stolen from Grandmère Mimi

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day..
Go for a swim..
Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
Keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR

Take the doctor's approach..
Think about it...
When you go for a flu shot,what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol...

Why ???

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS..
So......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my lager ....(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up
Flu germs Can't get you!

My grandmother always said...
'A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!'


Live Well and Laugh Often!

A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features..

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, "You've got to make
love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Women are very mean.


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible !' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car,
he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting ! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing light and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO !' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF !'
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space !'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon !'
The Blonde said, 'So what ? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up !' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night !'
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it ?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off ?'
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO.......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
I know you enjoy movies, so I thought of you when our nephew asked me if I had seen the movie constipated. I said I had not heard of it. He told me it isn't out yet
And just because I can - One more.

I have no time for French protestants. They're worse than Republicans.

With them it's not what you know but Huguenot.