Found For Friday

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. 'Which road do I take?' she asked. His response was a question: 'Where do you want to go?' 'I don't know,' Alice answered. 'Then,' said the cat, 'it doesn't matter.'
Lewis Carroll
1864-1928, writer


The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! this American should
be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'I say, old boy, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars..'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo poop. It means someone stole tent!'
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots
coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

The Talking Dog

by Grandmère Mimi
A guy is driving around the back woods of North Carolina and sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'TALKING DOG FOR SALE'

The man rings the bell and the owner of the house appears, telling him the dog is in the backyard. They both walk around to the backyard, and a nice looking Labrador retriever is sitting there, under a tree.

'Mind if I check him out?' the prospective buyer asks.

'Go right ahead,' answers the owner.

The man walks up to the dog tentatively. 'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the lab replies.

After the man recovers from the shock of hearing a talking dog, he says, 'So, what's your story?'

The dog looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. It was pretty funny to be doing that, but in reality I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? Are you nuts? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.'

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't
have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven
are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are
only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory..
26... Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
I have kleptomania,
But when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory is not as sharp as it used
To be.

In just two days from now,
Tomorrow will be yesterday
A bartender is just a pharmacist
With a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that
Occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
And Have a Great Week-end. (And thanks to all those who posted these or sent them so I could post them