Found for Friday

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Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has
told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, ‘Honey,
you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?’

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes
that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, ‘Honey, please… Just one more time before I die.’

She says, ‘Of course, dear,’ and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. ‘Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you
think we could…’

At this point the wife sits up and says, ‘Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning… You don’t.

TIGER WOODS CHRISTMAS CARD

The Old Golfer"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties. The other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet..

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "Hell yeah! Just get that damn lion out of the way!

a terrorist goes to heaven


It was just announced that Abu Musab al Zarqawi was killed in Iraq by American forces.

George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you fight against the nation I helped conceive?!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.
After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and says, "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
"Well, on our honeymoon, I made darn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees," he bragged and took another sip of beer.
His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison."

"Well, then she said, "Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!" he admitted

Don't you find it very interesting that after Monday (M) and Tuesday (T), the rest of week says WTF?!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken.

Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & d*ed.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."
The happiest time in a man's life is that period of time between his first and second marriage. The problem is ... he doesn't realize it, until the second marriage!
Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).
An older man went to the pharmacy for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces." The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm ...over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".

Wife: 'What are you doing?'  Husband: Nothing.  Wife: 'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage    certificate for an hour.'   Husband:'I was looking for the expiration date.'

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions and then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, 'Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,'and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with his hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, 'Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit...what happened next

HAVE A GREAT WEEK-END - STAY WARM! j